14 juillet 2017

The face of pregnancy loss

This is us. We fight. We try to hold on. And sometimes we fail. We hope and sometimes we fall. This is us. This is pregnancy loss. You come home with empty arms, scars and tears. Blood, needles, hospital bed, empty crib. You do not cry, you shout. You do not weep, you shout. You shout like an animal. You do not have pain, you're dying. There is a before loss and an after loss. You're dead since the minute they told you there is no heartbeat, or you have to say goodbye. 

We try to hold on. We hope, sometimes we still laugh, we still eat, we still talk. But we are not the same anymore. We carry them in our hearts. This is pregnancy loss. Your best day became your worst. Your worst fears became your reality. And sometimes you still don't realize it happened. You shout in every room of your empty house, you shout in the streets, in the garden, at work, in your car. You're stronger than yesterday, but you're weaker than ever. This is pregnancy loss. 

We hold on, we still hope. We do not fear death anymore. But don't forget we still fear this incredible pain, we still learn how to deal with it. We still learn how to live without him. This is pregnancy loss. We decide to hold on, because we believe that life will triumph. We still believe our love is stronger than disease and death. 

This is life after loss.
It's not our life anymore, it's how to be here without you. How to still smile and see all the marvelous beauties of the world, without you. How to be a family without you. How to carry a new life, but not you. This is life after loss. We try and we fail, we hope and we fall, but we hold on. We hold on.